Random thoughts... by Dave (part 1)

I want to propose a new diet, something vaguely along the lines of being a vegetarian. I don't know what to call it yet, but I'm sure something will come to me. It sort of comes from the "eye for an eye" philosophy, as it could apply to your dietary habits.

Basically, what has a head of lettuce ever done to you?

Lettuces are being slaughtered by the millions every year, all for our personal benefit. And yet I've never heard of anyone being attacked by a lettuce. Sure, someone may have gotten indigestion from eating out of date lettuce, but holding them accountable for such a transgression is somewhat akin to blaming cows for getting BSE from the limited food supply we provide on farms. Surely there must be a more egalitarian approach.

What I suggest is this: from now on, we only eat foods that have a chance of fighting back. Instead of beef, we now eat bear; instead of lamb, wolf. For vegetation we'd get to feast on venus fly traps, poison ivy (the irritant is just an oil on the surface), nightshade and cacti. Seafood would include shark, jellyfish and possibly lobster to name but a few delicacies. Criteria for edibility would revolve around the animal or plant's ability to do us harm.

For those purists (the vegans of my dietary world), I say you can only eat food that you are able to capture and prepare yourself. No more going to the grocery store for you! And really, if you can't take that bear down by yourself, it would serve to encourage cooperation between neighbors and build a sense of community.

Sure, it's not perfect, but I don't see anyone else coming up with anything better.